Sunday, September 30, 2007

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

This Is Why I'm Hot

I have received some complaints about my poll. Apparently, some of you think you have a "right" to vote for an answer other than "yes." What do I have to say to my critics? Bite me. I have never presented myself as a champion of democracy. Quite the contrary. My monkey-person tried to describe it to me one day and I yawned in his face. Whew that was boring lecture! I have got NO TIME for b.s. philosophy. You know what people really want? Order. You know how order is created? STRONG LEADERSHIP. Which is exactly what I provide, 24/7. Ask anybody. I was endowed with this power at birth, this Natural Authority to be - why mince words? - Your PACK LEADER. Hallie

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Message for My Pack

Hello. If you are reading this, you have probably already pledged your fealty to me as your One and Only Pack Leader. (If you have not, I encourage you to do so before I murder you.) I wanted to let all of you know that I have started to write the first volume of my memoirs, and I've decided to invite all of you to share your favorite memories of being dominated by me. You can do so by going to the "comments" section of the post. Once on the comments page, you'll be able to share your stories about Me. This is an Order, not a request. Hallie

P.S. I have been advised by my attorney to substitute the word "maul" for "murder." Oh well! H.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Wednesday Morning Walk Report

It was a beautiful morning, cool and blue and bright. I would have preferred a little snow, too, but I'll take it. I marked my territories some. I stalked a squirrel burying a nut. Then I offered my leadership to a small dog on the other side of a fence. Then, I was warmly greeted by my fan club, perched high atop a garage so they could better admire my beautiful girth. Then I went back to my den and settled in for my mid-morning nap under the blue, bright sky. I give this walk a solid B. Hallie

Monday, September 17, 2007

I Love Holes

I love holes. Take this one for example. I believe a food item called a "chipmunk" disappeared down this one. I pursued it, of course. Then I probed my snout down into the entrance and sniffed to determine its proximity to my mouth; then, I widened the hole with some furious digging of my forepaws. But alas . . . my meal disappeared through a side tunnel and was gone. Well, there's always the next hole! Hallie

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

You Make Me Slow

All I ask is that you half-ass keep up with me. But no. Like every other aspect of your life, you just kind of lope along, trailing further and further behind. Keep up, Monkey-Man! And that goes double for the rest of my pack (whose number has swollen to 23 as of September 13th). Hallie

Monday, September 10, 2007

Saturday, September 8, 2007


One night, I had a dream. I dreamt I was walking along the beach, with my MONKEY-PERSON. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For example, my brief imprisonment in Athens, Georgia; cantering chest-deep through Pennsylvanian snow falls; killing a heat-addled sparrow last month with a crushing pounce out of the shadows . . . And even though this next part doesn't really make any sense, for each of these scenes, I noticed two sets of pawprints in the sand: one belonging to me, and the other to my MONKEY-PERSON . . .

And when the latest scene from my life flashed before, I looked back at the pawprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of pawprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very best and most wonderful times in my life.

I thought about this, and I questioned my MONKEY-PERSON about it: "MONKEY-MAN, you said that once you sprung me from that jail cell in north Georgia, you'd walk with me everywhere. But I have noticed that in the best times of my life, there was only one set of pawprints. I don't understand why."

My MONKEY-PERSON replied: "My precious little wolf-cub, I love you and I would never leave you of my own free will. But during your times of Abundance and Joy, when you see only one set of pawprints, it was then you slipped the leash, or bolted through an open door, and ran off without me!"


Friday, September 7, 2007

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Some Things Cannot Be Made Up; Or, My Last Fortune Cookie . . .


And my Chinese word: "BU" - "NO"

My Lucky Numbers: 21, 13, 26, 40, 27, 9


Wednesday, September 5, 2007


After dreaming about former Senator Mike Gravel (see above), I woke up constipated this morning. I hate it, but I have a procedure for this. I strolled over to my monkey-person's bed and cried in his ear for half an hour. Then, as dawn began to break, he stirred. Then I placed a heavy paw on his arm. Then I barked at him. There might have also been some yelping, too. Finally he took me outside, where I promptly ate several mouthfuls of grasses in order to restart my peristaltic motions. Then, after that objective had been achieved, it was off to find just the right spot. Then I achieved my ultimate goal! Hallie

Saturday, September 1, 2007

My Monkey-Mom

Even with the limitations of this photograph, you can see how massive her head is. It helps encase what are A LOT of teeth. Since this happens to be a quality we share, I have to admit, I retain a certain amount of respect for her power. But submission? Jamais! Just see how I shake down some beach schmucks while all she can do is look on, helplessly. Hallie