Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Morning Walk Report

When my monkey-person starts complaining about "wind chill," I start rubbing my paws together. Since my kind was designed to thrive during the Ice Age (Paradise Lost!), I have found the recent spate of sub-freezing temperatures to be invigorating. This morning was typical of the last few: lots of light scavenging, followed by bursts of imperious striding forth, followed by more sniffing and tracking. I love it.

In this weather, none of my walks fall short of receiving a "B" grade.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Catching Up with Cleo

My (beta) friend, Cleo, has contacted me to say that she has recently decided to be more assertive in the domestic sphere. As an example of this, she sent me an "action" photo. In it, she can be seen aggressively supervising her Ape-Man "Frank" as he, unseen, puts his (bad) back into raking and bagging the fallen leaves surrounding their den. I say: Go on, girlfriend! These simians have got to be put in their place!

Wishing you Meat, Sleep and Total Domination . . .


Friday, November 21, 2008

My Imperative Mood

The imperative mood is a grammatical mood that expresses direct commands or requests. It is also used to signal a prohibition, permission or any other kind of exhortation.

The use of imperative mood can easily be considered offensive or inappropriate in social situations due to universal recognized politeness rules.

As a matter of fact, politeness strategies (for instance, indirect speech acts) can be much more appropriate in order not to threaten a conversational partner in his needs of self-determination and territory: according to Brown-Levinson 1978, the partner's negative face shouldn't be threatened. As a result, the imperative mood isn't necessarily the most used form to express a request or prohibition.

On the other hand, the risk of threatening someone’s needs of self-determination isn’t always really serious. The imperative mood's appropriateness depends on several factors like psychological and social relationships, as well as the speaker’s basic communicative intention (illocutionary force). For example, the speaker may have the simple intention to offer something, to wish or permit something, or just to apologize, and not to manipulate his conversational partner.

In this case, however, the illocutionary force of the speaker is directed to the immediate acquisition of a Pedigree "Marrobone" treat. And the credibility of the threat to someone's needs of self-determination is underscored by the speaker's strategic display of her sharp, pearly white teeth.

I hope you found this explication of the "imperative mood" enlightening.


Here Comes the Snow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Little Red Riding Hood or . . . the Wolf?

You know, from the standpoint of a reader's identification with the protagonist - and the animus she's manipulated into feeling for the antagonist - I've always had a powerfully ambivalent response to "Little Red Riding Hood." I mean, has the wolf no right to be hungry?

Ponder this.


PS I am a wolf, right??

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Morning Walk Report

After sleeping in, I yawned, stretched out my girth, then threatened to murder my Monkey-Man if he didn't stop shaving and take me outside immediately. On my walk, I urinated on two mounds of leaves, defecated in some bushes behind an apartment complex and, when let off-leash, I chased a passel of squirrels down in some trees. I delighted in their indignant and alarmed chatter afterwards, too. The rest of my walk was uneventful, except for a treat I demanded to eat in front of my Fan Club - who howled with jealously! (Once again, an unmitigated pleasure to my ears.)

Hopefully I'll have more fun later today.

I give this walk a B- .


Monday, November 10, 2008

Sunday, November 9, 2008

My Bi-Annual (Gland) Massage

In the interests of maintaining decorum and preserving my dignity, let me just say that the procedure was a complete success. I mean, whew man. What a relief!

Thanks Dr. Young,


Saturday, November 8, 2008

Friday, November 7, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Am I a Republican?

Am I a Republican? After my post of November 5th, I have received a number of confused emails from my pack. Didn't I offer to serve as Joe Biden's running mate all those many months ago? Wasn't that a declaration of my loyalty to the Democrats?

The truth is, I have no real grasp of or sympathy for representative democracy. What I understand and appreciate is MEAT. And, at the time, Biden just seemed radiate this "I'm a meat lover" kind of vibe. He even has the proud white mane of an old hunter. So I aligned myself with his pack.

As I followed the presidential campaign more closely, however, I began to get worried. What is this "tax policy" issue they keep barking about? They said that if I made more than 250,000.00 dollars, that Obama-Biden would redistribute my wealth. I have never received tributes in the form of Monkey-People dollars, but I am the hungry recipient of meat. Lots of it. So that's when I consulted an online currency converter and discovered the horrifying truth. In Canine Meat-per-Diem Units (CAMDUs)I am a multi-millionaire! Consequently, I would be significantly disadvantaged by Obama's tax plan.

Within nanoseconds, I became an ardent Republican . . .

And that's why you find me looking so glum in that photo. Those bastards want to steal my meat!

This isn't over.


On the Hunt!!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

A Rat with No Name

I pause to consider how best to murder the rat at my side. Bite the face off or start by chewing the tail to a pulp? Hmmm. So many choices!


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Just Missed Sam Shepard . . .

The Highest Form of Flattery

As I was doing my appointed rounds yesterday morning - marking territory, terrorizing the weak and the inferior - I happened upon some strange scratchings on the sidewalk. As i investigated more closely, their meaning became clear to me. Apparently, some of the local hominids have decided to praise me by creating crude likenesses of me on the ground. While they are not the cave paintings of Lascaux or the petroglyphs of Chaco Canyon, but hey: they'll do man!


P.S. Just because you're a narcissist, it doesn't mean that people aren't drawing pictures of you!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Afternoon Walk Report

So my Monkey-Person took me for an afternoon walk in Frick Park. To get to the stream where the succulent ducks normally loiter, I had to walk on narrow trail that cut through the high grasses of the stream bank. Along the way, I paused when the Great Ape God bathed me in heavenly light and asked me for my thoughts on the Anglican Church crisis. (I don't even know what an "Anglican" is. Are they water fowl? Or fish?) Well, I got bored with that conversation pretty fast, so I cooled my girth in the creek. Then I walked around, looking for some ducks. There weren't any. I was soo bored by that point, I didn't even feel like pooping. What a lame-o trip to the park!

I give this walk a C-.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

This Is Taking Me to the Snow?!

I have just received some very disturbing news from my monkey-person. Apparently, just when I should start enjoying the climate of Western Pennsylvania, he proposes to relocate our den to West Texas . . . Unbelievable!

Perhaps it is time for this hound to explore free-agency. So for all of you who live north of 40 degrees latitude, please answer my cry for help!


Thursday, July 10, 2008

Taking My Space

I cannot see a stage without centering myself upon it. This is only the natural position for your Pack Leader to take. Unfortunately, most of you weren't around to hear my speech that immediately followed the taking of this photograph. So for your benefit, I will summarize remarks here: I'm in charge!


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Sneakin' Back

If you leave a gate open, or have a gate that is high enough to accomodate my generous girth, I will invade your yard.

You have been warned.


Self-Portrait; Or, the Pond in Winter

reeds like grain silos
shoot up through flat plains of ice;
where are all the ducks?