Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Coming & Going (After a Rough Night)

Last night, my monkey-person's monkey-person neighbor upstairs blew out a pipe leading to her poop place, flooding our den below with torrents of water for over an hour, collapsing the ceiling in several places. I stepped into the foyer and, sitting patiently, watched everything else that happened, only arising to greet the firemen. Later, I slept in a Motel 6 and guarded the door until dawn. Then, my monkey-person took me to a new park, where I wasted no time asserting my dominance over the territory. Including the bridge! Hallie

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Woke Up

After my mid-morning nap (see below), I woke up and tore the heart out of a plush toy. It's boring, but it's part of my life. Hallie

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Wednesday Morning Walk Report

I slept in this morning. Then my monkey-person took me for my morning walk. Because it has warmed up, the squirrels are everywhere. And because they are excited, their security procedures are delightfully sloppy and lax right now. I chased almost a dozen up trees, bushes and telephone poles. Their chattered complaints was music to my ears. Then I lunged at an unsuspecting pigeon. Then I pooped in ivy (the best!). My poop was almost Kelly green because my monkey-person has decided to add Japanese nori paper to my diet--which I have to admit, is strangely delicious. Then I went home, issued the standard command for a snack, and stretched out on the hardwood floor for a well-deserved nap. Hallie

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Not Endorsing Hillary, Not Not Endorsing Hillary

I have now been asked this question a hundred times since my message of a few weeks ago: Am I endorsing Hillary? Let me make my position perfectly clear. What I endorse are Hillary's displays of aggression and her unambiguous assertions of dominance. I can respect this; Hillary is a woman after my own heart.

However, this does not mean than I endorse her dominance over ME! In a perfect world, I should be able to offer my leadership to this country. In fact, if you are reading this blog, I suspect that you already acknowledge my natural supremacy in the pack. Since I am constitutionally prohibited from running for the highest office of the land, I . . . well, I'm undecided. I need to be courted. What's in it for me, man? Will Hillary give me more meat than, say, Christopher Dodd? Perhaps John Edwards will dig me a better den than Hillary? He seems accommodating. And I hear that Dennis Kucinich will do anything for a vote.

So that is my answer. Show me da meat! Hallie

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Sunday Walk Report 2

The first blue skies in what feels like months today--and that's a damn shame! I love the snow, the Siberian winds, the scent of prey in tracks kept fresh by the icy cold. These are a few of my favorite things, man. Now the air is warm, the ground is drying out. I become overheated after only a few blocks of patrolling. I want all of my readers to take a moment and feel pity for me and my chill-loving girth. That's an order! Hallie

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Murder on My Mind

This morning my monkey-person escorted me on a long, lovely walk through the snowy streets of Highland Park. We even lingered on the grounds of the King Mansion. I sniffed and tracked another dog's trail for awhile. I pooped on the edge of the woods.

Feeling so good after such a nice walk, I decided to unwind by trying to kill my monkey-person for a few minutes. I struck fierce poses. I lunged at his neck. I spun around, ran to the other side of the apartment, frantically dug into some carpeting, charged back across the room and pounced on his weary head, many times. With a tooth, I added a small puncture wound that will, in a few days, become a new scar on this hand.

This went on for awhile, until he stopped moving. Then I got bored. I nipped his ear one last time, turned around, heaved my girth up onto the couch, and settled in for my mid-morning nap. Hallie

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Farewell, My Super Thug

You disliked everyone, and you played like you hated them all. This endeared you to me. Your displays of aggression were peerless. And the way you asserted your dominance before games by pulling your jersey up over your abdomen and shouting incomprehensible insults, well . . . there is an Alpha female in Pittsburgh who will always feel like she missed out on meeting her perfect Alpha male. Farewell, Joey!


Part Golden, Part Chow (The War Within)

My litter was the first of the North Georgia Mini-Retriever breed. The Powers chose our ancestors carefully: Golden Retrievers on one side, and the Chow Chow on the other. By appearance alone, it is clear to me that I embody a new Master Race. The readiness with which everyone accepts my leadership, my generous girth and my glorious pantaloons all attest to this fact.

But there is a high price to pay for outer perfection: the struggle in my soul between the friendly, out-going and playful Golden Retriever and the more demonic impulses to intimidate and put the "smack down" on everybody else that arises from my Chow Chow nature. Which side to choose? Sometimes, it is SO hard to decide. Excitedly wag my tail or lunge for the jugular? Like I said, hard. And my breeding affords me no middle ground.

When I am just waking up, desirous of feasting, or settling down for sleep, I will usually indulge the Golden angels of my psyche. Kisses, sitting cutely in a mock display of submission and, even the occasional flop on the back for a belly rub are the order of the day. However, when I am wide awake, satiated or unfulfilled for a prolonged time, or simply bored, I like to threaten others with imminent death and dismemberment. For example, just like I said to Chaya the other day, a dog that lives around the corner from me: "I am going to kill you."

At the end of the day, when I am performing my Alpha duty of separating myself from the pack and preparing to sleep alone on the couch, overlooking everything, I sometimes like to think that my heart belongs to the Golden Retrievers . But once I sleep and slip into the snowy forests of dream, the running down and decapitation of squirrels begins! Hallie