Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Engineer of Canine Souls

The production of souls is more important than the production of tanks. Therefore, I raise my glass to you, writers, the engineers of the human soul. Josef Stalin

I am often asked, "What is your opinion of Cesar Millan?" My answer is always the same. With his constant admonition to monkey-people to "be the Pack Leader," and the techniques he teaches them to place their canines in a perpetual, narcotized state of "calm submission," what else can I think of him? Cesar Millan is the Comrade Joe of "dog rehabilitation." Or perhaps I should say, "re-education"? Hm??

I see right through you, Millan. So, come whisper in my ear, little monkey-man . . .

Vive la Resistance!


Friday, February 8, 2008

Traumatic Memory

It has taken me a few weeks to deal with this, so . . . I mean, it's hard for me to talk about this. Because I've experienced such emotional harm. Okay. I'm just going to swallow my pride and get this off my chest so I can, like, let go and move on . . .
A fast-moving winter storm, followed by a week-long blast of frigid Canadian air had frozen the duck pond solid, and covered its surface with a soft layer of sound-absorbent snow. My monkey-person and I quietly skirted the main gaggle of ducks by walking through the treeline on the west bank of the pond. We were invisible as Death, and odorless too, as our scent was blown away from them by the steady wind still blowing down from the north . . .
I stepped out onto the ice and began my stalk. There were the ducks, those delicious ducks, just yards away and oblivious to my hungry girth, helpless and easy prey sitting only a bound and a pounce away . . .
When, YANK! My leash went taught. My monkey-person refused to release the hound, i.e., ME. I gazed up at him. I ordered him! I threatened his life. I pleaded with him--I whined, pitifully. All to no avail.
I took once last look at the ducks, squatting there, succulent and then . . . I think I blacked out. What an indignity! What insubordination! O the humanity! (Whatever that's supposed to mean.)
I'm still trying to get over this. Maybe I never will. Never never never never never!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

It's Time to Come Clean

The rumors are true. Within days of Joe Biden's decision to suspend his presidential campaign, I was contacted by Michael Bloomberg. Directly contacted.

It would be premature to reveal the exact nature of our discussions. As for their general tenor, though, I believe Mike would agree that we have spoken to each other in the spirit of mutual admiration and respect. If pressed to say more, I might add that the burning issue of the USDA's meat inspection program may have cropped up once or twice.

I have nothing else to share with the Pack at this time, but rest assured I will update you all as soon as there are any new developments. So stay tuned!


Sunday, February 3, 2008

Nine Mile Hound

This walk was pretty good. I sniffed and tracked the length of this big Pittsburgh slag heap otherwise known as "Nine Mile Run." Although the vistas of the Mon River valley were impressive, I was depressed by the complete paucity of local fauna and flora. I tracked not a single squirrel, or rabbit or deer. And not for a lack of trying! (See above.) It was only when my monkey-person and I reached the river that I annoyed a few ducks with some fairly hapless mock charges. After three hours, I returned to the den exhausted and muddy - which is a good thing - but, alas, I can only give this walk a B+.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Finally, A Good Movie!

After all these years of, basically, snoozing through one crap film after another, my Monkey-Person finally showed me something I could sink my teeth into. I don't know the title, but the animal-worshipping hominids (i.e., the "good guys") end up putting the self-worshipping hominid (i.e., the "bad guy") inside this Great Ape made out of sticks. Then they light his ass on fire! I loved it.

We need to make more films that have such a positive message as this one.

So get cracking!


Friday, February 1, 2008

Hallie v. Xenu

I don't care how many
millions of monkey-people he chained
to exploding volcanoes.
If that SOB tries to mark territory
on my block,
there will be blood!


I don't care how many millions of monkey-people he chained to exploding volcanoes. If that SOB tries marking territory on my block, there will be blood!