Thursday, December 27, 2007

I Demand to Go Outside

Warning: This video is not for the faint of heart . . .


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Friday, December 21, 2007

Placated, For Now . . .

This is an open letter to the monkey-person known as "Beth." Thank you for clarifying your earlier remarks about my breeding (although I was singularly unimpressed by your "hearsay" argument). As your Pack Leader, I take my responsibilities for maintaining the dignity of my office seriously. As a subordinate, it is simply not your place to question the origins and nature of my Majesty. True, I mentioned my "war within" in a moment of weakness; I shall be more discrete in the future. Still, you would have been wiser not to have brought it up. All of which is to say, despite your apologia, I will be keeping a close eye on you. You are obviously a candidate for seditious activity. Finally, although I find it mildly gratifying that you identify so closely with me, there is a surer way to get out of my doghouse: meat. Lots and lots of meat. And the sooner the better!

One last thought for my Anonymous language pundit (see "Still Rankled"): BITE ME. That should give me all the legal cover I need to really bite you. Hard.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Still Rankled

I am still rankled.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

First Love, Last Love . . . Self Love

This is not me but my friend, Jessie. Still, I approve of this message.


Friday, December 14, 2007

Not a Deliberate Combination?

It has recently come to my attention that a simian, who shall remain nameless, declared that I could not have been a "deliberate combination." Why, you may ask? Because my breed, the North Georgia Mini-Retriever, is a combination of the Golden Retriever and the Chow Chow: personalities that this monkey-woman declared to be "mutually antagonistic." Naturally, I took umbrage at these remarks. For one fleeting moment, I even had murder on my mind . . .

But now that I've had a chance to sleep on it (approx. 14 hours worth), mostly what I feel is pity. I feel pity for the ape-mind that fails to conceive the dialectical possibilities of a soul such as mine -- one that is capable of bringing back a stick one moment, then completely turning its back on humanity the next; or the way I greet you in a friendly way, then, in the blink of an eye, lunge at your throat. A lesser being would see these as contradictions. I, on the other hand, view these improbable 'combinations' as my greatest work of art!


Saturday, December 8, 2007

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Art Film

More North Georgia Memories . . .

I almost didn't survive Athens-Clarke County, Georgia. As the story is told, I had taken an extended stroll from my first monkey-person's home, when an "Animal Control" officer apprehended me. He kindly took me back to my den, but the femme-chimp told the man she didn't want me back. I overheard the officer explaining to her that at the county prison, they only gave hounds seven days to find a new pack--or else.

This information, though, left her cold. "Go on," she said. "Go ahead and take her."

And away I went.

Then they put me back in the truck, and drove me to secluded facility out by the airfield. Prisoners from the county jail (hominids), dressed in orange jumpsuits led me to my new home: a cold, hard cell measuring three feet by five feet. I had one week left to live.

(To Be Continued . . . )


Monday, November 26, 2007

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I Was Leonid Brezhnev

Recently, while participating in a past life regression therapy retreat, it was revealed to me that, in my most recent past life, I was a monkey-person - a great ape, really - named "Leonid Brezhnev." This has illuminated quite a few things about my personality. For sure, there are the obvious similarities: my lust to dominate, the pleasure I take in hearty meals, and also, in long naps.

We both have, or had, bushy eyebrows.

The surprises? My taste for pickled herring, blini, and twelve-dish Christmas Eve suppers (the last one is surprising because I am a practicing Animist). Most of all, now I know why I've always felt this strange yearning to restore the Warsaw Pack, sorry, I mean Pact. That one was really driving me crazy! ,

Comrade Hallie

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

Thursday, November 8, 2007


Greetings, My Subjects . . .

As you can tell from the last several images I have posted to my blog, I have been thoroughly enjoying the cooler weather. My pleasure has made writing an unwanted distraction, however. Hopefully, I'll be able to bring down a deer and spend a week wallowing in its gore. I happen to mention this because, if you don't hear from me for a week, perhaps sometime soon . . . well, you get the picture.

Finally, I note that my pack has recently swelled to 39 members. I would only ask my new subordinates to review my post entitled "The Great Chain of Hallie" very closely. The survival of the pack - and of you in particular - may depend on a keen knowledge of my expectations.

Looking Down Upon You from a Great Height, As Ever


Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Friday, November 2, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Back to North Georgia?

If it had stayed unseasonably warm one more day in Pittsburgh, I might have gone through with it. The food is better down there; the woods are thicker. And, heck, I probably still have brothers and sisters living near the banks of the Oconee river. Surely they miss their Alpha litter-mate?


Monday, October 1, 2007

The Great Chain of Hallie

I am so sick of being pestered by questions regarding my views on "democracy"! So let me explain the nature of things one more time. The world is like a Great Chain of Being . . .

As Pack Leader, I reign Supreme above all others, monkey-person, or no. Then come those closest to me (if you have pledged your fealty to me, that means you!).

Then comes anyone with food.

Then comes anyone with a car.

If you have pledged your fealty to me, feed me and drive me around, then your status in the pack hierarchy is High.

If you haven't pledged your fealty to me, nor fed me, nor driven me around recently, you are on something I like to call my "Shit List."

Then there come the many sub-basements of my realm. For example, the squirrel, the rabbit, the small child on a bicycle. All of these, I hope to eat one day - for the Greater Glory of my Girth.

Finally, in the darkest defecatory bower of the Earth, I cast mine enemies: the Pit Bull who took a bite out of my ass last year; Cheyenne, the grey mongrel who lives around the corner; and, last but not least, Ann Coulter. These would not even be fit for me to eat (so there would be more for you the night I catch any one of them).

Note well: There is no place on this chart for electoral colleges, referendums, Parliaments, Soviets, Loya Jirgas or town hall meetings. Submit to your Pack Leader and Live. That is my only political philosophy - and my message of Hope. Or else.


Sunday, September 30, 2007

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

This Is Why I'm Hot

I have received some complaints about my poll. Apparently, some of you think you have a "right" to vote for an answer other than "yes." What do I have to say to my critics? Bite me. I have never presented myself as a champion of democracy. Quite the contrary. My monkey-person tried to describe it to me one day and I yawned in his face. Whew that was boring lecture! I have got NO TIME for b.s. philosophy. You know what people really want? Order. You know how order is created? STRONG LEADERSHIP. Which is exactly what I provide, 24/7. Ask anybody. I was endowed with this power at birth, this Natural Authority to be - why mince words? - Your PACK LEADER. Hallie

Friday, September 21, 2007

A Message for My Pack

Hello. If you are reading this, you have probably already pledged your fealty to me as your One and Only Pack Leader. (If you have not, I encourage you to do so before I murder you.) I wanted to let all of you know that I have started to write the first volume of my memoirs, and I've decided to invite all of you to share your favorite memories of being dominated by me. You can do so by going to the "comments" section of the post. Once on the comments page, you'll be able to share your stories about Me. This is an Order, not a request. Hallie

P.S. I have been advised by my attorney to substitute the word "maul" for "murder." Oh well! H.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Wednesday Morning Walk Report

It was a beautiful morning, cool and blue and bright. I would have preferred a little snow, too, but I'll take it. I marked my territories some. I stalked a squirrel burying a nut. Then I offered my leadership to a small dog on the other side of a fence. Then, I was warmly greeted by my fan club, perched high atop a garage so they could better admire my beautiful girth. Then I went back to my den and settled in for my mid-morning nap under the blue, bright sky. I give this walk a solid B. Hallie

Monday, September 17, 2007

I Love Holes

I love holes. Take this one for example. I believe a food item called a "chipmunk" disappeared down this one. I pursued it, of course. Then I probed my snout down into the entrance and sniffed to determine its proximity to my mouth; then, I widened the hole with some furious digging of my forepaws. But alas . . . my meal disappeared through a side tunnel and was gone. Well, there's always the next hole! Hallie

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

You Make Me Slow

All I ask is that you half-ass keep up with me. But no. Like every other aspect of your life, you just kind of lope along, trailing further and further behind. Keep up, Monkey-Man! And that goes double for the rest of my pack (whose number has swollen to 23 as of September 13th). Hallie

Monday, September 10, 2007

Saturday, September 8, 2007


One night, I had a dream. I dreamt I was walking along the beach, with my MONKEY-PERSON. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For example, my brief imprisonment in Athens, Georgia; cantering chest-deep through Pennsylvanian snow falls; killing a heat-addled sparrow last month with a crushing pounce out of the shadows . . . And even though this next part doesn't really make any sense, for each of these scenes, I noticed two sets of pawprints in the sand: one belonging to me, and the other to my MONKEY-PERSON . . .

And when the latest scene from my life flashed before, I looked back at the pawprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of pawprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very best and most wonderful times in my life.

I thought about this, and I questioned my MONKEY-PERSON about it: "MONKEY-MAN, you said that once you sprung me from that jail cell in north Georgia, you'd walk with me everywhere. But I have noticed that in the best times of my life, there was only one set of pawprints. I don't understand why."

My MONKEY-PERSON replied: "My precious little wolf-cub, I love you and I would never leave you of my own free will. But during your times of Abundance and Joy, when you see only one set of pawprints, it was then you slipped the leash, or bolted through an open door, and ran off without me!"


Friday, September 7, 2007

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Some Things Cannot Be Made Up; Or, My Last Fortune Cookie . . .


And my Chinese word: "BU" - "NO"

My Lucky Numbers: 21, 13, 26, 40, 27, 9


Wednesday, September 5, 2007


After dreaming about former Senator Mike Gravel (see above), I woke up constipated this morning. I hate it, but I have a procedure for this. I strolled over to my monkey-person's bed and cried in his ear for half an hour. Then, as dawn began to break, he stirred. Then I placed a heavy paw on his arm. Then I barked at him. There might have also been some yelping, too. Finally he took me outside, where I promptly ate several mouthfuls of grasses in order to restart my peristaltic motions. Then, after that objective had been achieved, it was off to find just the right spot. Then I achieved my ultimate goal! Hallie

Saturday, September 1, 2007

My Monkey-Mom

Even with the limitations of this photograph, you can see how massive her head is. It helps encase what are A LOT of teeth. Since this happens to be a quality we share, I have to admit, I retain a certain amount of respect for her power. But submission? Jamais! Just see how I shake down some beach schmucks while all she can do is look on, helplessly. Hallie

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I Love the Life of Action

With my keen sense of smell afforded by my large, black button nose, and my hawk-like sight, I spied the squirrel . . . Sure, I took my time tracking it . . . plotting the best possible line of attack . . . and feeling the hunger for rodent meat rise in my throat. Then POW!!! I was off like a shot! (For the sake of decency, I cropped this video short of it's tragic conclusion.) Hallie

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Proof I Can Swim

Statement Regarding Michael Vick

I have been reserving judgment on Michael Vick until the details of his plea agreement were filed in court. I have now had an opportunity to "read" these documents carefully, after a fashion, and have decided to ban Vick from the NFL indefinitely, without meat. I have also directed the federal judge in this case to consider creative sentencing procedures. For example, according to the laws of the monkey-people community in which I reside, my poop must be picked up and properly disposed of everyday . . . And I make a lot of poop, man! Hallie

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Bourbon Bottle Label Art for Sale

I'm tired of having no independent source of cash. Thus, I have fashioned a painting of me sniffing a bourbon bottle cap with my lusty approval. For the right price, this label art could be yours! Contact me for further details. Hallie

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sunday Speaking Engagement

A Treat from God

Although I've always thought of myself as a convinced Animist, a different theological system intruded itself upon me today. I was hot on the heels of a chipmunk. After the rodent did the cowardly thing and disappeared into a hole, I decided to cool my girth in a nearby stream. And that's when it happened. The Heavens opened up, light shone forth, and the biggest monkey-person paw I've ever seen lowered itself through the clouds and offered me a treat. I accepted it (with appropriate dignity), then chased a bird bathing itself a little further down the creek. Later, I passed out in front of a fan in the living room. I give this walk an A/A-. Hallie